P: I don\u2019t quite know how to say this, I\u2019ve \u00a0been practising all the way in the car. It might sound ridiculous to you but \u00a0the real reason that I am here is that I\u2019ve realised only recently that I just \u00a0can\u2019t forgive and if I don\u2019t do something about it I will destroy my \u00a0relationships and probably myself in the process.<\/span><\/p>\n DW: \u00a0 That is quite a realisation. \u00a0You \u00a0say this understanding about yourself is recent. \u00a0What precipitated it?<\/p>\n P: \u00a0 Before I tell you that, let me tell you a bit about myself. \u00a0I am 34 and only recently married. \u00a0I think the fact that I married quite late \u00a0also relates to this problem. \u00a0We have no \u00a0children. I am the oldest of four. \u00a0The \u00a0other three are boys. \u00a0My parents live \u00a0around the corner from us. \u00a0I work as a \u00a0laboratory technician and have been with my company for seven years.<\/p>\n DW: It sounds like you\u2019re successful at \u00a0your job\u2026<\/p>\n P: Oh yes. I really enjoy it. \u00a0I wish I was as successful in my \u00a0relationships.<\/p>\n DW: You say your relationships are affected \u00a0because you are not able to forgive.<\/p>\n P: (Nods)<\/p>\n DW: \u00a0 What happened recently?<\/p>\n P: A couple of months ago my husband seemed \u00a0less available than usual on his cell phone. \u00a0 He also started coming home late. The reasons were always to do extra work and fear of retrenchment. \u00a0I was never sure if he was telling me the \u00a0truth even then.<\/p>\n DW: So you couldn\u2019t trust what he was \u00a0saying. I\u2019m sure you wanted to believe him but there was some sort of an alarm.<\/p>\n P: Yes. \u00a0 Funny, I had no reason. \u00a0He had \u00a0never lied to me, not that I knew of but I could not control the suspicion.<\/p>\n DW: What did you do?<\/p>\n P: I didn\u2019t say anything but I checked his \u00a0cellphone. \u00a0I felt bad doing it but when \u00a0I found several calls from the same number, I was devastated but in a strange \u00a0way felt justified. \u00a0Of course I called \u00a0the number which was answered by a woman \u2026 it was awful. I actually couldn\u2019t \u00a0say anything and just put the phone down.<\/p>\n DW: \u00a0 You felt as if your worst fears were confirmed.<\/p>\n P: (Nods) It took three days before I said \u00a0anything to David. Do you know what he did? \u00a0 He put his arms around me and said that that was the woman in his team \u00a0that he had been working with on the special project, that there was nothing \u00a0between them, that he loved me and I was welcome to listen to him have a \u00a0conversation with her right now!<\/p>\n DW: \u00a0 That was an unexpected response. Did you accept his explanation?<\/p>\n P: I so wanted to but there is this thing\u2026 \u00a0there has always been this thing\u2026 \u00a0It happened \u00a0with my brother, with my sister inlaw, with my best friend.<\/p>\n DW: Tell me more about this thing?<\/p>\n P: Okay. So. How do I explain it? \u00a0Every time I have been let down I can\u2019t let \u00a0go.<\/p>\n DW: \u00a0So there are two things deeply affecting you. \u00a0You may feel let down or betrayed – whether true or not and also it sounds like \u00a0if you have been let down, you can\u2019t forgive.<\/p>\n P: \u00a0 Exactly. Like this time with David, he has tried to reassure me by \u00a0calling me often and coming home earlier. \u00a0 He initiates sex even though I know he is tired. Shame \u2026 what is wrong \u00a0with me? He is such a good guy really, I just can\u2019t help my imagination.<\/p>\n DW: What happened with some of your other \u00a0relationships?<\/p>\n P: My best friend, for example broke my \u00a0trust \u2026 she definitely did. \u00a0I told her I \u00a0had had a miscarriage vey early on, I was really traumatised. \u00a0It was a private thing and I didn\u2019t want \u00a0anyone else to know. \u00a0The following week \u00a0I got a call from another friend asking how I was.<\/p>\n Susan did apologise saying how worried she \u00a0was about me and that it was not meant to be gossip. \u00a0But for me that\u2019s it! \u00a0I will never trust her again and I can\u2019t have \u00a0a friend whom I can\u2019t trust.<\/p>\n DW: You sound angry but you look sad. \u00a0Do you miss her?<\/p>\n P: Of course I miss her and I miss my \u00a0brother Jake and I miss my other sister DW: So you have ended many relationships \u00a0with people whom you care about.<\/p>\n P: (Becomes tearful)\u2026 and I hate myself for \u00a0it but I can\u2019t help it.<\/p>\n DW: \u00a0 What about sustained relationships, ongoing meaningful relationships?<\/p>\n P: My parents, both of my parents<\/p>\n DW: \u00a0 Those relationships are very important to you. \u00a0It sounds like you\u2019re close to them and they \u00a0live around the corner\u2026 but have you never ever felt let down? Have you never \u00a0had to forgive or sort out hurt? Has it always been all good?<\/p>\n P: Yes, no, well now that I think of it \u00a0there was a time when it wasn\u2019t good with my father.<\/p>\n DW: Go on<\/p>\n P: This is hard to talk about. I think I\u2019ve \u00a0blocked it out, boxed it up \u2026 \u2018cos I love my dad so much.<\/p>\n DW: You love your dad but you do remember \u00a0feeling differently.<\/p>\n P: You know what, I loved him but hated him \u00a0too. \u00a0I was only nine and I knew stuff \u00a0(cries).<\/p>\n DW: You knew things about your dad which \u00a0challenged your love.<\/p>\n P: I had to protect my mom. \u00a0My mom never knew. \u00a0She still doesn\u2019t know and she will never \u00a0know.<\/p>\n DW: You have a really painful secret and \u2026<\/p>\n P: My dad was having an affair for a long \u00a0time. \u00a0Actually with one of my mom\u2019s \u00a0friends. \u00a0I saw it. I saw her leaving the \u00a0house. I heard phone calls on the way to school. \u00a0Once I was out with my dad and they met at a \u00a0coffee shop. \u00a0And he made me promise, \u00a0promise and promise that I would never tell. \u00a0 He said if I loved him I would never tell \u2026..<\/p>\n DW: That is a huge burden an unfair burden \u00a0that you have been carrying your whole life.<\/p>\n P: (Nods) \u00a0 Look it\u2019s over, they are old now. \u00a0 They are very much together. It\u2019s the past\u2026<\/p>\n DW: But for you it\u2019s not the past is it? \u00a0How do you think this might have affected you? \u00a0 Do you think it could be affecting you now?<\/p>\n P: I know I can\u2019t forgive. \u00a0Whew, I suppose I have never forgiven my dad \u00a0ever \u2026<\/p>\n DW: You were scared at nine about loosing \u00a0the love of your daddy. You would do anything anything to keep that love. You \u00a0also learnt that people lie and betray and act as if nothing is wrong\u2026<\/p>\n P: That is so true! You know what? I think \u00a0what I do is leave before I get annihilated again. \u00a0I think that it is better to turn it in than \u00a0find out that I have been let down or betrayed.<\/p>\n DW: So in that way you don\u2019t give yourself \u00a0a chance. \u00a0You leave just in case\u2026 \u00a0you confirm the probability of a betrayal by \u00a0leaving.<\/p>\n P: I do.<\/p>\n DW: \u00a0 There is no meaningful relationship where mistakes are not made, where \u00a0at times you don\u2019t feel recognised enough or you are let down. \u00a0Relationships grow, develop and are \u00a0strengthened through facing and dealing with these issues.<\/p>\n P: \u00a0I \u00a0know this and I have to act on it. \u00a0I \u00a0honestly don\u2019t want to mess it up with my husband.<\/p>\n DW: So what do you think you need to \u00a0prevent that happening and possibly loosing one of the best things that ever \u00a0happened to you?<\/p>\n P: A number of things. \u00a0I have to have a conversation, the most \u00a0difficult conversation of my life with my father. \u00a0We cannot have this \u201copen secret\u201d. \u00a0I know and I\u2019m sure he knows too what happened \u00a0and I want to talk to him.<\/p>\n DW: What will you say?<\/p>\n P: \u00a0 Not only was it wrong but more importantly it was unfair, totally unfair \u00a0to me as a child to blackmail me with love\u2026 \u00a0 He has to understand and then, you know what I think? I think if he does \u00a0and I will make him \u2026 I can begin to forgive. \u00a0 There is too much good not to love him but I have to face the bad!<\/p>\n DW: That\u2019s the most important thing to \u00a0understand that good and bad co-exist and that you do not throw away meaningful \u00a0relationships\u2026 It\u2019s a tough process though.<\/p>\n P: \u00a0 I\u2019m determined to do it!<\/p>\n DW: It\u2019s a hugely courageous step something \u00a0that will change your life.<\/p>\n P: I will never tell my mom. Why should I? \u00a0There is no reason. My freedom will come from confronting my dad.<\/p>\n DW: What about your husband?<\/p>\n P: I have to remind myself where all this \u00a0mistrust and suspicion comes from. I also have to let him understand. He is \u00a0always willing but be even more willing to offer me the reassurance that I \u00a0need.<\/p>\n You know what, I might even phone my old \u00a0boyfriend \u2026 only kidding!<\/p>\n Two \u00a0weeks later:<\/em><\/p>\n Pam says:<\/u> I had the conversation with my father that \u00a0night and it was amazing! He was in denial at first, in shock actually but I \u00a0would not let him off the hook. \u00a0He literally \u00a0begged for forgiveness. \u00a0I\u2019m excited by \u00a0this feeling of liberation and truly believe my life will go forward \u00a0differently.<\/p>\n Dorianne\u2019s summary:<\/u><\/p>\n Pam was insightful, aware of the effect of \u00a0her own actions on her life and ready to take responsibility. \u00a0The movement in one session was astounding as \u00a0she was so mindful of the potential of her destructive thoughts and behaviour \u00a0regarding her marriage. \u00a0With minimal but \u00a0focused exploration and interpretation, she uncovered the most painful of \u00a0memories. \u00a0Usually it takes some time to \u00a0sit with a memory, explore the circumstances and feelings long before \u00a0envisaging a reparative action plan. Not so for Pam. \u00a0She wanted to move on and she did.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" P: I don\u2019t quite know how to say this, I\u2019ve \u00a0been practising all the way in the car. It might sound ridiculous to you but \u00a0the real reason that I am here is that I\u2019ve realised only recently that I just \u00a0can\u2019t forgive and if I don\u2019t do something about it I will destroy my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[6],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nin-law Elana and although I don\u2019t really \u00a0miss my old boyfriend, in fact make that three, I do hate the way those \u00a0relationships ended in a heartbeat.<\/p>\n
\nThat one and a half hour session propelled \u00a0me to take action. I honestly had not made the connection between what happened \u00a0with my father, his betrayal of my mother and my triangulation into it all \u00a0those years ago and the fact that I was consistently ending important \u00a0relationships in my adult life.<\/p>\n