1.  To literally “check-in” so by the time the update is complete everyone is fully present in the moment.
2.  To illicit meaningful content for presentations.

However, there are times when too much preparation and focus,as opposed to spontaneity, may have the opposite effect.  It is possible “to prepare out” or censure the content of the update if the issue is particularly difficult
to talk about, or the member is feeling overly vulnerable or threatened in some way.  Obviously, this applies more to developing forums and less to forums who are in prime.

It is important to “listen between the lines”.  Listen.  Listen with the utmost attention to the words, to the body language, to the silences and pauses.  Often something is said quickly and glossed over.  A gesture or a pause might give a clue to the enormity of an at first seemingly glib comment or irrelevant issue.  At this point, I believe it is important in fact, to interrupt with an active listening statement that would help illicit, or at least explore and expand the issue briefly i.e. “I know how important your relationship with your father is to you, so this argument must be particularly difficult” or “you said you have been to the doctor – what was the outcome?” etc.

NB.  You would only do this if you had a strong sense that there was more than was overtly stated and that the issue would be missed as a potential important presentation.

Of course, the problem is that you are also opening up the possibility of the update over running or even becoming a presentation which is why it is easier to simply never interrupt.  However, and this is the paradox of the successful update, at the point where the member begins to talk and expand on the topic you recognise that this is indeed meaningful and important and it is precisely now that the member needs to be stopped.  How do you do this?  Statements like, “it sounds like you need some time for this, don’t you think so (address this to the group as well as the member), let’s come back to it”

Many members and moderators are concerned about losing the moment, most especially if the member who is speaking becomes emotional.  Please be assured that the issue is uppermost and surface for the member and will readily be accessed again once the update is complete and you have created the time and space in a supportive climate.

There are very few exceptions in handling this in this manner.  One might be if the member has just discovered a severe or terminal illness,  a sudden and tragic loss etc.  In these circumstances, it would be impossible to focus on subsequent updates anyway and you would obtain immediate “buy in” from the group to carry on.  For almost all other issues, even when the person is tearful, complete the update first.  You never know what other people might be sitting with and they may not reveal even when asked.

Sometimes the member will dismiss the issue or resist a presentation.  This is where there is a fine line between invitation and encouragement and pressure and coercion.  If you believe the resistance is because of vulnerability, once again, active listening comments like “this must be incredibly hard for you to talk about” etc. might serve to draw the person in. The use of the group is invaluable provided you as the moderator make sure that the comments are invitational and not pressurising.

In sum, the paradox is getting the member during the update to almost begin an important presentation that might have been missed and then stopping him in order to afford him the appropriate space and time to do so.

 The members and committee of South African Friends of the Israel Museum pay tribute to Stephan Welz, the renowned art auctioneer and recognised expert on South African art who passed away on the 25^th of December 2015.

We were privileged to have Stephan Welz address us as recently as November 2015 at a hosted event at Strauss premises where he spoke about the contribution of the South African Jewish community to the arts.  In fact, this was his very last, much appreciated and applauded address.

The foundation of Stephan’s professional achievement was strongly influenced by his proximity to artists.  His father, Jean Welz, a recognised and celebrated South African artist, and his fellows, friends and associates, including expressionist painter, Cecil Higgs, Gregoire Boonzaier, Irma Stern, Pierneef, Maggie Laubser, Maud Sumner, Alexis Preller and Walter Battiss, all served to spark his love and appreciation of art when most of his young friends preferred the rugby field.

As Karel Nel said:  “There’s never an opportune moment to die, but there must surely be some satisfaction that Stephan had two of the most successful record breaking auctions in Cape Town and Johannesburg just before his death.”

Stephan’s early engagement with Sotheby’s was initially on a part time basis until he was eventually persuaded by the Head of Sotheby’s in South Africa, Reinhold Cassirer to leave his conventional job and become full-time at Sotheby’s.  During the political isolation of South Africa, Sotheby’s let go of its direct interest and the company was moved into Stephan’s name.

He later joined Strauss & Co, which had been initiated by Conrad Strauss and Elizabeth Bradley.  Stephan’s reputation resulted in the development of a huge following and Strauss became the preeminent auction house in the country within a year.

The loss of Stephan Welz to the South African art world is immeasurable.  He was for many years, the go-to person.  A national treasure with a depth and breadth of knowledge, willing to share and impart through engaging anecdotes and stories of personal encounter.  His comprehensive knowledge of art included patrons, collectors, artists, silver, ceramics, furniture as well as stamps and toys.

Apart from his wealth of information, his personal impact and engaging manner is referred to time and time again.

Stephan’s unique humour combined with sharp wit, intelligence and ability to connect was attractive and compelling.  It was his knowledge that was sought after, but it was his personality and style that touched everyone who knew him.

I was privileged to witness Stephan Welz on the auctioneer’s podium on numerous occasions over the years.  He presided over each one with mastery, confidence and humility, engaging, educating, encouraging and entertaining his participants.

The friendship we developed, the time shared, the conversations and the advice I readily sought remain treasured memories and will live with me always.

We, the South African Friends of the Israel Museum were riveted, enriched and informed by his LAST LECTURE.  We learnt about the Jewish patrons of the arts, the artists and contributors, many of whom were personal friends of Stephan.  We left feeling proud of our heritage and its considerable contribution to the appreciation of art in our country.  We add our voice in saying that Stephan Welz will be sorely missed.

 

Dorianne Weil

DW:   That is quite a realisation.  You  say this understanding about yourself is recent.  What precipitated it?

P:   Before I tell you that, let me tell you a bit about myself.  I am 34 and only recently married.  I think the fact that I married quite late  also relates to this problem.  We have no  children. I am the oldest of four.  The  other three are boys.  My parents live  around the corner from us.  I work as a  laboratory technician and have been with my company for seven years.

DW: It sounds like you’re successful at  your job…

P: Oh yes. I really enjoy it.  I wish I was as successful in my  relationships.

DW: You say your relationships are affected  because you are not able to forgive.

P: (Nods)

DW:   What happened recently?

P: A couple of months ago my husband seemed  less available than usual on his cell phone.   He also started coming home late. The reasons were always to do extra work and fear of retrenchment.  I was never sure if he was telling me the  truth even then.

DW: So you couldn’t trust what he was  saying. I’m sure you wanted to believe him but there was some sort of an alarm.

P: Yes.   Funny, I had no reason.  He had  never lied to me, not that I knew of but I could not control the suspicion.

DW: What did you do?

P: I didn’t say anything but I checked his  cellphone.  I felt bad doing it but when  I found several calls from the same number, I was devastated but in a strange  way felt justified.  Of course I called  the number which was answered by a woman … it was awful. I actually couldn’t  say anything and just put the phone down.

DW:   You felt as if your worst fears were confirmed.

P: (Nods) It took three days before I said  anything to David. Do you know what he did?   He put his arms around me and said that that was the woman in his team  that he had been working with on the special project, that there was nothing  between them, that he loved me and I was welcome to listen to him have a  conversation with her right now!

DW:   That was an unexpected response. Did you accept his explanation?

P: I so wanted to but there is this thing…  there has always been this thing…  It happened  with my brother, with my sister inlaw, with my best friend.

DW: Tell me more about this thing?

P: Okay. So. How do I explain it?  Every time I have been let down I can’t let  go.

DW:  So there are two things deeply affecting you.  You may feel let down or betrayed – whether true or not and also it sounds like  if you have been let down, you can’t forgive.

P:   Exactly. Like this time with David, he has tried to reassure me by  calling me often and coming home earlier.   He initiates sex even though I know he is tired. Shame … what is wrong  with me? He is such a good guy really, I just can’t help my imagination.

DW: What happened with some of your other  relationships?

P: My best friend, for example broke my  trust … she definitely did.  I told her I  had had a miscarriage vey early on, I was really traumatised.  It was a private thing and I didn’t want  anyone else to know.  The following week  I got a call from another friend asking how I was.

Susan did apologise saying how worried she  was about me and that it was not meant to be gossip.  But for me that’s it!  I will never trust her again and I can’t have  a friend whom I can’t trust.

DW: You sound angry but you look sad.  Do you miss her?

P: Of course I miss her and I miss my  brother Jake and I miss my other sister
in-law Elana and although I don’t really  miss my old boyfriend, in fact make that three, I do hate the way those  relationships ended in a heartbeat.

DW: So you have ended many relationships  with people whom you care about.

P: (Becomes tearful)… and I hate myself for  it but I can’t help it.

DW:   What about sustained relationships, ongoing meaningful relationships?

P: My parents, both of my parents

DW:   Those relationships are very important to you.  It sounds like you’re close to them and they  live around the corner… but have you never ever felt let down? Have you never  had to forgive or sort out hurt? Has it always been all good?

P: Yes, no, well now that I think of it  there was a time when it wasn’t good with my father.

DW: Go on

P: This is hard to talk about. I think I’ve  blocked it out, boxed it up … ‘cos I love my dad so much.

DW: You love your dad but you do remember  feeling differently.

P: You know what, I loved him but hated him  too.  I was only nine and I knew stuff  (cries).

DW: You knew things about your dad which  challenged your love.

P: I had to protect my mom.  My mom never knew.  She still doesn’t know and she will never  know.

DW: You have a really painful secret and …

P: My dad was having an affair for a long  time.  Actually with one of my mom’s  friends.  I saw it. I saw her leaving the  house. I heard phone calls on the way to school.  Once I was out with my dad and they met at a  coffee shop.  And he made me promise,  promise and promise that I would never tell.   He said if I loved him I would never tell …..

DW: That is a huge burden an unfair burden  that you have been carrying your whole life.

P: (Nods)   Look it’s over, they are old now.   They are very much together. It’s the past…

DW: But for you it’s not the past is it?  How do you think this might have affected you?   Do you think it could be affecting you now?

P: I know I can’t forgive.  Whew, I suppose I have never forgiven my dad  ever …

DW: You were scared at nine about loosing  the love of your daddy. You would do anything anything to keep that love. You  also learnt that people lie and betray and act as if nothing is wrong…

P: That is so true! You know what? I think  what I do is leave before I get annihilated again.  I think that it is better to turn it in than  find out that I have been let down or betrayed.

DW: So in that way you don’t give yourself  a chance.  You leave just in case…  you confirm the probability of a betrayal by  leaving.

P: I do.

DW:   There is no meaningful relationship where mistakes are not made, where  at times you don’t feel recognised enough or you are let down.  Relationships grow, develop and are  strengthened through facing and dealing with these issues.

P:  I  know this and I have to act on it.  I  honestly don’t want to mess it up with my husband.

DW: So what do you think you need to  prevent that happening and possibly loosing one of the best things that ever  happened to you?

P: A number of things.  I have to have a conversation, the most  difficult conversation of my life with my father.  We cannot have this “open secret”.  I know and I’m sure he knows too what happened  and I want to talk to him.

DW: What will you say?

P:   Not only was it wrong but more importantly it was unfair, totally unfair  to me as a child to blackmail me with love…   He has to understand and then, you know what I think? I think if he does  and I will make him … I can begin to forgive.   There is too much good not to love him but I have to face the bad!

DW: That’s the most important thing to  understand that good and bad co-exist and that you do not throw away meaningful  relationships… It’s a tough process though.

P:   I’m determined to do it!

DW: It’s a hugely courageous step something  that will change your life.

P: I will never tell my mom. Why should I?  There is no reason. My freedom will come from confronting my dad.

DW: What about your husband?

P: I have to remind myself where all this  mistrust and suspicion comes from. I also have to let him understand. He is  always willing but be even more willing to offer me the reassurance that I  need.

You know what, I might even phone my old  boyfriend … only kidding!

Two  weeks later:

Pam says:
That one and a half hour session propelled  me to take action. I honestly had not made the connection between what happened  with my father, his betrayal of my mother and my triangulation into it all  those years ago and the fact that I was consistently ending important  relationships in my adult life.

I had the conversation with my father that  night and it was amazing! He was in denial at first, in shock actually but I  would not let him off the hook.  He literally  begged for forgiveness.  I’m excited by  this feeling of liberation and truly believe my life will go forward  differently.

Dorianne’s summary:

Pam was insightful, aware of the effect of  her own actions on her life and ready to take responsibility.  The movement in one session was astounding as  she was so mindful of the potential of her destructive thoughts and behaviour  regarding her marriage.  With minimal but  focused exploration and interpretation, she uncovered the most painful of  memories.  Usually it takes some time to  sit with a memory, explore the circumstances and feelings long before  envisaging a reparative action plan. Not so for Pam.  She wanted to move on and she did.

DW: You are clearly in a state and we will talk about it in detail. Please first tell me a little about you, your family and your current situation.

RACHEL: I’m married and have been for 17 years – in a fashion that is.  At last we are getting divorced. It’s an ongoing, very stressful, acrimonious and difficult process.  My husband … whew! How can I possibly begin to tell you about the lies, the manipulation, the lack of support and how he’s “got to” the children?

DW: So it’s not only now, but for many years that you have been going through a hard time?

RACHEL: Absolutely, you have no idea!

DW: How many children are there?

RACHEL: We have four children, from 10 – 16, three girls and a boy and it’s my 13 year old that (starts to cry). I am so desperate.

DW: What is it Rachel?

RACHEL: Okay, so I’ll tell you… She does whatever she likes, gets whatever she likes and goes wherever she likes. She often misses school. You should see how she is dressing, very high heels and short skirts. She wears thick make-up and has dyed her hair black. She’s only been at the school for one term and I’ve had numerous phone calls…

DW: Explain to me how she got to this point. Where are her parents? What role are you playing?

RACHEL: This is the very hardest part, she has hardly spoken to me for nine months now. I am so scared. I’m scared for her.

DW: And you’re scared for you. You have no control and you feel you’ve lost your daughter.

RACHEL: I might as well tell you although it sounds so ridiculous, she abuses me too. I mean she throws drinks at me or all over me.  She screams and shouts, hits and pulls hair…

DW: It sounds like you as a 45 year old mother feel helpless in the face of this 13 year old. What do you do? And how did you move from being a parent …

RACHEL: No no, I am her mother. I am her parent but I know what you mean. I can’t do anything. Of course I have tried to stop her and she just goes on. So the most I can ever do is just tell her, her behaviour is unacceptable and leave the room.

DW: Where is her father?

RACHEL: Well he is the one who just gives into her, I mean whatever she wants.  He doesn’t stop her behavior and I believe that somewhere he wants her to hate me. That means that I’m the bad one.

DW: Why do you believe he wants you to be the bad one?

RACHEL: Well, what he wants is to keep all the children. He says that I’m crazy or at best “not well” and he’s out to prove it.

DW: On what basis?

RACHEL: Okay so I have to tell you… there was a time about four years ago when I was diagnosed with  depression. I was hospitalised for a short while and treated with medication. But I’m fine now. I’m honestly fine, other than all the stress and anxiety. He accuses me and tells my kids all sorts of things that are lies, all lies. But I think my daughter has been sort-of-like brainwashed. I mean there is no reason for this hate and anger. We used to have a good relationship.

DW: You are angry, frightened and you miss her so much.

RACHEL: (Nods and is tearful) Look she will definitely go with her father. There is no doubt about that. But how do I deal with her, with this behavior? And how do I get her back?

DW: You know I’m sure that just as scared as you are. Kids who are so out of control, who have no limits or discipline and so vengeful especially when the relationship was previously good, do crave and need parameters, boundaries and most of all love. I’m sure your daughter feels desperately insecure. Often,  it becomes more about winning or loosing, about a power struggle than being happy.

RACHEL: I know this. I know what she needs. I know what caused it. I don’t know what to do.

DW: Of immediate importance is assistance in behavioural control. Together with this, she needs understanding and support.  We need to understand what this acting out behavior is attempting to express. However, the primary intervention are the limits and parameters with clear consequences.

RACHEL: Yes, yes I know all of this. It’s the HOW??

DW: Two ways as a start. She needs to see an experienced professional who will begin to relate to her but will not be manipulated.

RACHEL: Stop right there. Even her father says he has suggested this and she totally refuses… I mean is adamant that she will not see anyone again. She has been even before this all started, to someone in the past but as soon as limits were being enforced she just left.

DW: Both you and her father are being totally controlled by a thirteen year old. She is not in a position to refuse help and you love her too much to watch her deteriorating in front of you.  Leaving it alone is no longer an option, not at all.

RACHEL: Do you think boarding school?

DW: Perhaps but not initially. There are other ways that haven’t been tried, not properly. What about her school?  They have a psychologist and have expressed concern. The therapist indeed has a difficult assignment. While also supporting the agreed upon limits she must gain your child’s respect and affection, while attempting to engage her in reconsidering her negative attitudes towards you.

It requires patience, warmth and caring. The therapist must be willing and able to listen to her complaints however trivial or false, without prematurely confronting or criticising her, otherwise she will just clam up.

The school also needs to call in both parents. After all you are and will always be parenting partners.

RACHEL: We disagree on everything.

DW: Do you think your bitterness towards each other is greater than the love of your child?  Obviously the best case scenario would be if your daughter could see you both calmly talking to each other about her welfare. But even if this isn’t possible, this is not about you. You have to agree independently if not together, on the behaviours which are destructive and dysfunctional. Then with a psychologist you will discuss limits and consequences. If your child does “X”, she must expect “Y”.  Outbursts that come from nowhere, rules that are ignored one minute and then rigorously enforced the next, rewards promised but not delivered and other inconsistencies in parenting methods can produce anxious untrusting insecure children and eventually adults.

RACHEL: It’s going to be really hard.

DW: Of course it is. In your position you want to do everything to make your child love you. You distrust your own ability to influence and structure her and be loved at the same time. It is very difficult for you when you are trying to reconnect to enforce boundaries. You worry that your child will simply stay away even more.

RACHEL: Exactly!… (Long pause) Sometimes I feel so weak…

DW: Look, you may think that you failed as a parent, you haven’t. You just have more work to do and you need the support and help in order to do it.

RACHEL: I have to do this. I just have to.

DW: It’s not only about boundaries. It’s about praise too, whenever you possibly and realistically can.  It’s about experiencing you as much as possible in a warm and relaxed atmosphere. Also, it is important for your daughter to see you in an environment say with family where people show you respect and high regard.

RACHEL: Thank goodness she will go to my parents occasionally or to my brother.

DW: Remember if the parameters are fair and consistently enforced and the love is there, your child will not only adjust to them but will feel safe and reassured that you care enough.  This is about the rest of her life.

SUMMARY:

There are many unexplored issues. The question of parental alienation needs to be considered. Rachel’s past depression further discussed. The priority however was crisis intervention for this child. Hence the session was fairly directive and not explorative.

One month later:-

Rachel immediately went to the school for help with her daughter and has engaged in her own personal therapy.  She is more determined than she has been for years and is reclaiming her life and hopefully in time her child.

A: A man’s self-esteem – in fact, make that his identity – is intrinsically connected to ‘production’. Worth is about competence and ‘bringing home the bacon’. Real men have good jobs and provide for their families. This is genetically preprogrammed from as far back as the caveman and, although roles today are more egalitarian, that basic belief remains entrenched. Because of this, in these tough economic times, there has been a huge escalation of depression in men, who feel vulnerable, inadequate and alone. Your husband is depressed. The characteristics are his low mood, his lack of motivation and a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. It is a reactive depression because the circumstances are clear but it’s the extent and duration that are worrying. One would think that he might be relieved to know that at least one of you is working and enjoying their job. But this is not the case because in his mind it shows him up as more of a ‘loser’ and serves to emasculate him.

Obviously this does not mean that you should give up your job and commiserate with him. Being less than the best you can be never helps anyone become more than they are. It is a tough world out there and it is more challenging than ever being ‘pale and male and 40-something’ but this does not mean it’s impossible. Let your husband know that you understand the obstacles and the challenges that he faces, but that he has held down a good job will do so again, as long as he doesn’t give up. ‘As you think, so shall you be’ is a truism that affects everything.

However, you do need to understand that your husband will probably not hear a word of this in his depressed state. Your priority is treatment for his depression. If he refuses to go for help, reassure him that the person he always was is still there, just buried temporarily, and you need and want him back. Let him know that you miss and love him irrespective of whether he has a job or not. Having said that, it is important that he is not fussy about what type of job he accepts at this stage; simply working will do wonders for his self-esteem. Choices can come later.

The festive season has the potential to intensify feelings of depression because we are inundated with images of families having plenty of fun and enjoying themselves. Tell your husband that, for your family, Christmas is about people and being together, not expensive presents. Believe it or not, his future with this condition is optimistic.